Nur den Menschen,
die du geliebt hast,
bist du wirklich begegnet
in dieser Welt.

Die anderen haben
deinen Weg nur gekreuzt.

by Hans Kruppa




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Nun ist sie wieder fort, meine Illusion. Hat ihren Selbstzweck überlebt und wurde von der Realität begraben. Zumindest der romantische Teil an ihr. Die Ironie war aber auch zu groß. Meine Karriere hingegen wird greifbarer. Ich bin jetzt abhängig vom Gutwill einer Arbeitskollegin, die mir eine Empfehlung schreiben muss. Das nervt, aber ich kann es nicht ändern. Meine Pflicht habe ich erfüllt, jetzt liegt es nicht mehr an mir.

Auf der Arbeit zeigt sich wieder dieses seltsame Phänomen, dass ich umso ruhiger werde je größer alle anderen den Stress empfinden. Wirklich stark bin ich in den Momenten, in denen alle anderen zerbrechen wollen. Ich kann sie unterstützen bis sie sich wieder selbst tragen können. Erst dann, wenn alle wieder standfest sind, ist es an mir zu zerbrechen. Die körperlichen Schmerzen sind da, das Schwindelgefühl und auch die emotionale Pein. Ich werde es noch eine Weile unterdrücken müssen bis alle wieder von alleine laufen. Danach ist es dann an mir. Wenn ich sicher sein kann, dass es auch ohne mich funktioniert. Hoffentlich dauert es nicht allzu lange.

Bin ich ehrgeizig? Ich weiß es nicht. Betrachtet man meinen Körper, wohl eher nicht... vielleicht gleich ich es mit anderen Dingen aus.
6.7.20 21:39


Am I lying? Lying all the time? To everyone, mostly to myself? I feel like I am fake all day long. Asking someone how their day's been doesn't feel right. I do ask them. I wanna care for their answer. Wanna care for them. But I don't. I'm hearing their answer. But I'm not listening. I wanna be this good, tender-hearted person I always liked to see me as. But I am not this person anymore.
In my job I'm compassionately looking for my patients all day long. I gave my heart and soul and sometimes my tears for them. I love every single one of them when they are under my care. And they deserve it. I wouldn't want it any other way. But it's exhausting. Giving and giving.
Whenever I talk to my mum lately it's all about her. We're talking 90 minutes and only 5 of them are about my life. I love her. I wanna be the person she can vent to. But I wanna be listened to also. Despite being old enough to take care for myself, I want my mum to care about me, too. I have this close girlfriend at work. Whenever I am in real trouble I can count on her. But we're talking 90 minutes and only 5 of them are about my life. I care for her. I wanna be the person she can vent to. But I wanna be listened to also.
I wanna be giving. I truely want to give. I hate this selfish people out there. All the Karens in the world. But nevertheless I became a Karen myself in the meantime. I am done giving.
I wanna be listened to. I want someone to care for me. I wanna be given to.
I am done giving. There is no energy left inside me to earnestly worry about other peoples concerns. I just can't. However, I pretend to, as long as I am able to. I just continue lying. Maybe I can convince myself that my lie is the truth in the end.
23.6.20 22:32


Wann immer ich an die nächsten Monate denke und an die Dinge, die ich bis dahin noch erreichen will, liegt mein Fokus so sehr auf den äußerlichen Dingen, die sich bis dahin ändern sollten. Wie oberflächlich ich geworden bin. Oder schon immer war? Sollte ich mich viel mehr darauf konzentrieren, was ich an meiner inneren Haltung, meiner Einstellung ändern muss, um glücklich zu sein, anstatt auf die Äußerlichkeiten?
Ich habe so viele Vorurteile in meinem Kopf. So viele Vorgaben der Gesellschaft, wie ich zu sein habe oder mein Partner. Ich möchte geliebt werden. Aber die Gesellschaft sagt, nur wer schön ist und erfolgreich, ist es wert geliebt zu werden. Diesem Anspruch genüge ich noch nicht. Der männliche Partner muss älter sein und größer, ehrgeizig und erfolgreich. Auch an diesem Anspruch bin ich in der Vergangenheit immer wieder gescheitert.
Tatsächlich scheint es mich vermehrt zu Männern hinzuziehen, die das genaue Gegenteil dieses in meinem Kopf verwurzelten Anspruchsdenken sind. Liegt es daran, dass es mich größer und stärker macht, wenn ich ihnen überlegen bin? Oder liegt es daran, dass ich sie nur all zu leicht hinter mir lassen kann, wenn das ganze zu ernst wird? Es verhindert, dass ich mich zu sehr auf jemanden einlasse und verletzt werde. Indem ich jemanden verletze, wenn ich fortlaufe.
Im letzten Jahr hatte ich mich einmal rundum aufgeräumt. Äußerlich war ich nahezu an dem Punkt, ab dem ich glücklich mit mir bin. Innerlich hatte ich viele alte Ängst aussortiert. Ich war bereit für einen gleichberechtigten Partner. Er war älter und größer, ehrgeizig und aufstrebend erfolgreich. Er hat in jeder oberflächlichen Hinsicht meinen Ansprüchen genüge getan. Ich war wirklich bereit für diesen Versuch mit ihm. Im Ergebnis hat mich der schöne Schein ziemlich schnell im Stich gelassen. Jeden Fortschritt aus dem letzten Sommer habe ich im Nachhall verloren und beginne mal wieder von vorn.
Mittlerweile ist da viel aufgestaute Wut und Frustration und so viel Enttäuschung in mir. So viel vergeudete Hoffnung immer wieder.
Ich bin ja gewillt den oberflächlichen Anspruch hinter mir zu lassen. Aber ich will auch keine Kompromisse mehr machen, in den Dingen, die mir wirklich wichtig sind. Sobald es emotional schwierig wird oder die Beziehung sich in eine Richtung entwickelt, die mir Unbehagen bereitet, sind die Äußerlichkeiten plötzlich präsent und ich kann mehr oder weniger leichten Herzens gehen.
So oder so, ich muss dringend an meiner Einstellung arbeiten, wenn ich irgendwann ankommen will.
23.6.20 00:03


What's the thing with this illusion I'm so focused on? It's the best dream I had so far in my life. But nothing more, isn't it? First steps are made to take me closer. Some aspects of this dreams are reachable for me. But not its core, isn't it? But isn't the core just a symbol for a greater meaning? It's just a symbol I wanna achieve, and not my picture of it specifically, isn't it? Isn't it? My brilliant illusion will bring me nothing but disappointment, if it's the picture I'm striving for. But for now it drives me, so I'll move on and see where it'll take me.
18.6.20 21:44


Yesterday I thought a lot about the difference between arrogance and confidence. I even had to look up the definitions for both and checked some psychology blogs. Looking the same at first sight, there should be a huge difference when you dive deeper into them. But it's not so easy to recognize.
My brother seems arrogant sometimes. But he isn't. I always thought, this appearance is him covering his uncertainty with fake confidence. People don't believe in this fake confidence so they think of him being arrogant. Maybe this was true for a while. Now he really is confident. He doesn't seem less arrogant though.
But this is not about him, it's about me. I have huge knowledge in my job. Not only on my daily tasks, but on everything according to this business due to my past career. I worked in the ward, I worked reception desk, I even did management. And I performed quite well everywhere. This hole business is my passion. Doing the best job I can is the drive in my life. I am still learning and educating myself in my free time, because there still is so much to learn. You're never finish. Education won't ever end and this is okay. It has to be like this. I can only try my best to catch up to it. What I wanna say is, I know what I am doing. I really know. I don't make much mistakes, because I have reasons for every decision I make. I don't do things, because I think they might be a good idea or because they "feel" right. I am always able to justify my decision. I can always stand up and face consequences, if I choose wrong. I am confident.
And since I have that much experience and confidence based on knowledge, and since I care so much for my patients, I do find mistakes in the work of others. And I point on them. Sometimes only to find the reason behind it, that I might miss. Sometimes because this mistake affects decisions I have to make, especially if they have a reason I can't see. But most of all, if there is no reason I miss, no deeper thought I overlook for doing something, that I might think of as a mistake, than my patient suffer. And I won't tolerate this. I have to point on errors.
Yesterday a superior came to me to talk about my behaviour. She felt critized by me. She can't controll everyone and everything. Sometimes there are reasons for decisions, that I just don't know because noone wrote them down in the patients papers. People in the ward feel controlled - I'm not sure if she meant by me. Ward was known as the field with most mistakes. Everyone hated to work there. I should be careful to not revoke this feeling again. If I see a problem, I should state it only to her and not to anyone else.
So here we are, now. After thinking about this situation, I can't agree with her. I like her so much and it really hurt, that she said I would critizise her wrongly. But the thing is this: I never critizised her. She felt hurt because of my decisions based on missing informations. Missing informations that should have been written down by her. And if the people feeling controlled leads to them doing their job more properly, than I'm fine with controll. Controll should be her job. The guys should feel controlled by her.
I don't know how to behave, now. I can't stop pointing out mistakes that affects my patients. Even if it hurts her. Even if my collegues think less of me. But that makes me act as if I am superior to her. Which I am not! So... Am I still just confident? Or do I start to become arrogant? Thinking I would know better...? Thinking I could do better...?
17.6.20 23:16


Loving the idea of something. Loving the idea. I can truely comprehend the concept.
It's not long ago that I thought I might fell in love with someone. With my idea of him. With my idea of us. Of how we might be in some hopefully not too far away future. But it was nothing more than this. An idea. A thought in my mind. Electrical impulses in my brain without any substance, without any right of becoming solid reality.
Now I am in love again. In love with an idea of myself. There is this idea inside my head of a future me, that I look up to with everything I have. Some days this vision is my only reason for me leaving my bed and moving on. Following my dream so one far away day I might lived up to it.
But I know the truth, don't I? I will never live up to this dream. I am not pretty enough. Neither smart enough nor brave enough. I have never been one of the brave guys when it comes to things that matter. I am fearful. I've always been. This idea of me won't ever become my reality. But nevertheless, I try my best for now.

It's not long ago that my nights had been dark and peaceful. Long hours of nothing more than silence. A break from myself and all the thoughts inside my head. A couple of weeks ago I started dreaming again. Now sleep is like watching an endless movie. Sleep comes fast nowadays. And almost right after shutting my eyes this film starts in my heart. Waking up and feeling the curtains closing always breaks me a little bit.
Why am I dreaming this much, I ask. Why am I dreaming this much? Is it because I can't handle all of it while I'm awake? There might be too much for me to cope in daylight. My jaw hurts from clenching my teeth. I didn't realized the whole day. Maybe it is too much reality so I have to escape in my private movies and leave reality behind.

I miss someone. I really miss someone who sees me. The real me. Noone ever had. Noone ever wanted to.
During my english studies I learned some interesting things recently. I learned that five month old babys can actually count. They know that one plus one is two. I learned that being in a group sometimes results in a groupthinking which leads to unreasonable decisions and behaviour based on one single person opposing others, and then suddenly everyone else change their mind because this one single person might be right and opposing him could have a negative impact on one's own life. And I learned about a concept of judging behaviour of others differently to one's own behaviour. Seeing another one acting rude, you always reflect this to their character. Acting in bad way means, being a bad person. You judge them as a person based on their behaviour. But when it comes to yourself you see the reasons behind your acting. Showing a rude behaviour doesn't mean you're a bad person. It just means you had a rough day. When it comes to you, you judge yourself by the situation your behaviour took place in. I actually find this mind opening. It changes my way of seeing things. Not everytime, of course. But sometimes. This time.
I miss someone. I really miss someone who sees me. The real me. Noone ever had. Noone I ever let.
12.6.20 03:16


I have to practice a lot of things. First of all I have to improve my english skills (in 13 days) so here we go. But more important I have to focus. I have to be brilliant and kind and sweet and intelligent and happy and pretty and overall content and optimistic about my life. But I don't know how.
How can I organize my life to form it into this brilliant illusion I found a couple weeks ago? This huge illusion in which I am truely happy, in love with someone who naturally understands me deeply, doing what I always wanted to do, and more or less living my dream of a life? It is possible. I am convinced it can happen. I can get there. I have to admit, some minor details will differ to my illusion as they depend too much on coincidence, but I can get to living my dream life. If I find a way to focus myself again.
There was a time when I had that skill. But during all this years of work and a steady attempt to survive, I lost track. Now, after waking up in the morning - or, more often than I want to admit, in midday - first thing I do is turning on the TV. Coming home from work, first thing I do is turning on the TV. I have to exclude the silence of my rooms. I have to ban my loneliness and drown out my thoughts by filling the air with noises and chatter. It's this stupid dumb shows I watch, for which you don't need any trace of intelligence to follow up.
It's these shows that numb your mind and heart with its stupidity. Don't wanna think, don't wanna feel. It's a game I play for more than a year now. I am so used to it, that sometimes I really forget what I'm doing. Sometimes I don't recognize it anymore. There are this rare moments when my mind is blank. You can't imagine how afraid of it I am.
I wanna be able again to hang out with myself without artificial noises. I wanna be able to handle my own thoughts and dreams and anxiety again without switching on the music's play button. I want to be able to concentrate on one task for longer than five minutes without getting distracted by the crickets' sound. I want to be able to focus on the important things in life again without the need of muting myself. I wanna live in my illusion so badly. It's the one constant thought.
If I put enough effort in this thought, it has to become real, hasn't it? The universe channels your energy into reality, right? If you just focus enough?
4.6.20 23:50


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